Hell Week
by Deutschrocker
Summary: Hell Week for our favorite telepath and biokenetic! An experiment turns everyone into little kids! Everyone starts out with adult minds, but our favorite assassins are quickly mentally and physically children. Can Schuldig and Farfie handle it?
1. Chapter 1: You Suck, Schuldig

"Schuldig, you know something?" Nagi asked

"What?" The tall, orange haired German asked

"You suck."

"Is that anyway for you to talk?"

"You and Farferello just shrunk Weiss and Schwarz into chibies! We're all six years old!" Aya screamed, trying to kick Schuldig in the shin

"Just wait until I grow back into an adult!" Crawford roared, "I'm finding my gun!"

"I tossed it," Farfie began, "so have fun searching for it."

"Six year olds can still use string, you know." Yohji growled fiercely

"That's enough kiddies, time for a car ride." Farferello said

"You actually intend to take these Japanese brats somewhere, and _live_?" Schuldig gasped in awe

"Do you want them running around nekkid?" Farfie asked him

"Well…" Schuldig pondered

"Schuldig! My katana is bigger than me!" Aya raved

"And I could use my mission coat as a sleeping bag!" Yohji yelled

"I'm tiny." Omi said, obviously not six years old

"And how old did we make you?" Schuldig asked Omi

"I think, I'm like four."

Farferello started laughing hysterically, rolling around on the floor like a three year old.

"He's four! How did we manage that?" he laughed

"I'm not sure, but I don't want to see their butt cheeks all day." Schuldig said in disgust

"Pervert." Nagi growled

"Hey, watch it squirt! I could crush you." Schuldig said to the child, towering over him

"And I could nail you in the balls if necessary." Nagi growled again

"They have the minds of adults." Farfie said

"No shit! Well I guess we have to get them clothed, somehow." Schuldig said

"Ugh, must we? I've got an appointment at a church-"

"Must I curse you in German? We're taking these kids for clothes."

"I'm hungry daddy!" Ken yelped

"Daddy? That's hilarious!" Farfie laughed again

"Are you insane? Schuldig's not our father!" Aya told Ken, "It's obviously Farfie."

"WHAT? Oh no, I am never, ever, ever in a million years, fathering a child!" Farfie yelled

"I'm hungry Daddy!" Ken whined again

"I think their starting to get the minds of children." Schuldig realized,

"Me wan foo now!" Ken screamed, crying and stomping his feet

"Oh Gods," Schuldig gaped, "What do you want to eat?"

"Macaroni and Cheese!" Ken yelped playfully

"I want Mac and Cheese too Daddy!" Aya shrieked

"Why are they calling me Daddy?!" Schuldig questioned Farfie exhaustedly

"Probably you're the one in the room acting like an adult." Farfie guessed

"Okay," Schuldig pondered, "There has to be a way to solve this without me or Farfie killing anybody."

"Ideas would be appreciated!" Farfie yelled, Schuldig turned to find his teammate being drowned by three six year olds and a four year old. Aya was attached to Farfie's leg; Yohji was attached to the other, while Crawford was biting Farf's arm like a rabid dog and Omi was perched on Farfie's head.

"Oh my Gods!" Schuldig panicked, grabbing Omi by the ribs, and placing him on the floor next to Nagi while Crawford fell the floor crying after Farferello smacked him upside the head for biting him.

"You can't abuse them!" Schuldig cried

"Oh fine, I'm sorry Crawfoo." Farfie apologized

"Now say it like you mean it." Schuldig commanded, "Or I'll let the brat bite you lower this time."

"I am sorry Crawford." Farfie said, fearing that Schuldig would actually let Crawford bite him in the balls

"Now, help me get them into the car- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Schuldig exploded turning and finding Omi, Crawford, Nagi and Ken standing on each other's shoulders, trying to reach the cookie jar on Schwarz's kitchen counter.

"Oh no," Schuldig practically screamed, taking the children down from their dangerous positions

"I'm taking Aya, Yohji and Omi to get clothes!" Schuldig yelled, grabbing Aya and Yohji from Farfie's legs, and Omi from the floor, each by an arm and ran out the door.

"Where are we going Daddy?" Yohji asked

"We're going to get you clothes." Schuldig said quickly turning over the ignition on the car and revved away from Schwarz's Tokyo apartment

_**TOKYO GRAND DEPARTMENT STORE**_

_**6:01 PM **_

"_**LITTLE TIKES" DEPARTMENT **_

"Okay," Schuldig started, "neither Farferello nor I have any clue when you're going back to normal size so, I stole Crawford's credit Card." his smirk turned into an evil smile

"Why?" Omi asked, sucking his thumb

"Because Daddy has no money." Schuldig quickly explained, "And must you suck your thumb? You're going to mess up you're teeth!"

"And since when do you give a damn about us?!" Aya yelled at the top of his lungs

Every mother in the story turned to the 'father' with the bad-mouthed 'child'. One even swatted Schuldig with her purse.

"Oh Gods, Aya." Schuldig knew what he was about to say was so out-of-character for him, but… This was getting ridiculous!

"Aya, I'm sorry that I've been a bad person, and I know that you really don't like me or Farf, but you have got to trust me."

"And why should I do that? You did try to kill me."

"Please? I will not hurt you. I know that you haven't lost your mind… Yet. But, umm… Well, every mother here thinks that I'm your father, would it kill you to call me Dad?"

"Yes it would." Aya said with a smile, falling backwards and pretending to die

"Please? I'll let you play with your katana!"

"Really? Okay!" Aya said playfully

"Daddy!" Yohji whined, "Omi had an akksesdent."

"Do you mean accident, Yohji?" Schuldig said

"The thing where you pee your pants!" Yohji whined like Schuldig should know better

"Keep your voice down Yohji!" Schuldig hissed, "People are looking!"

"Sorry Daddy." Yohji apologized

"Okay, Aya?" Schuldig asked

"Yes… Dad?" Aya smiled

"Could you take your 'brother' to the clothes? I need to uh… Do something with Omi."

"Okay Daddy!" Aya said, taking Yohji by the hand and running off to the little boy's clothes

"Okay," Schuldig started, picking Omi up under his arm like a potato sack

"Yes Daddy?" Omi asked, completely happy with his current position

"Got any ideas on how to change a diaper?"


	2. Chapter 2: Schuldig Loses His Mind

Aya and Yohji were having way too much fun tormenting the sales clerk at the check-out counter. They were running around like mad-men and screaming things in German they heard Schuldig say.

"Come back here!" the clerk yelled at Aya who was running fast around the underwear department, "You get back here or I'm calling your Mom!"

________________________________________________________

An ear-piercing, earth shattering ka-boom exploded from the heart of the Little Tikes Section. For the American Variety, this is otherwise known as a child's scream for his father.

"DADDY!" Aya screamed, kicking and punching the clerk who had finally caught up to him after Aya skinned his knee, which was now bleeding all over the floor

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­

Schuldig heard Aya's screams, tucked Omi under his arm and bolted past parents, kids and employees to rescue his 'son.'

"What are you doing to my kid?!" Schuldig barked, "Why is he bleeding?!"

"Sir, he, uh he-"

"Daddy!" Aya screamed, finally nailing the male clerk in the groin, the clerk then dropped Aya like a rock, and then Aya proceeded to start crying.

"Daddy! That bad man hurt me!" Aya cried

Schuldig was about ready to call Farferello and have him kill the guy. There was a priest's costume on sale in the left-over Halloween section.

"I didn't do squat! The little bastard fell and skinned his knee!" the clerk roared

"He said bad words at me Daddy!" Aya cried, receiving awes from the other passing parents

"Who's your supervisor?" Schuldig asked

The man turned white as Farfie's hair.

"Aya, where's Yohji?" Schuldig asked

"I saw him over by the girl's clothes, Daddy." Aya told Schuldig proudly

"Oh Gods!" Schuldig took Aya under his free arm and ran down the escalator to the 'Little Girl's Department'.

"Yohji! Yohji!" Schuldig called, "Uh, come to Daddy?" he couldn't believe he'd gotten himself into this fucked up mess; theoretically, he was know the father of six! With no warnings whatsoever!

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy lookee at me!" Yohji called

Schuldig turned, to find Yohji wearing a women's bra and panties.

_**SCHWARZ APARTMENT **_

_**8:16 PM **_

Farfie wasn't having the best of luck either with his end of the brood. Crawford kept biting things, including himself.

"He's a masochist in training!" Farfie yelled

Ken was mainly a happy six year old, except for the fact that he kept fighting with Nagi.

"Pooh Bear's meine!" Ken roared

"Meine?! Since when did you learn German?!" Farfie yelled again

"Since Daddy kept saying it." Ken said proudly

"I'm gonna kill Daddy!" Farfie growled loudly

"Why would you kill my Daddy?!" Nagi began to cry again, and of course, Ken took this lovely opportunity to steal Pooh Bear and run into Farfie's room. Ken then screamed at Farfie's hanging straight jacket and his black walls.

"This is why I never want children…" Farfie muttered under his breath, "Ken get out of my room!" he finally yelled

But Ken was too intrigued by the devices Crawford usually used to keep Farferello in line. He then noticed that Farfie had a collection of knives, and he picked the largest one up. And then dropped it when he found out how heavy it was.

"OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!" Ken screamed and cried as the knife had sliced his arm open he ran back out to Farfie, who at this point had given up on mastering the art of cheese smothered pasta, ordered take out for the family.

"What did you do?!" Farfie yelled

"I hurt myself! I so sorry my eyes are leakin!" he cried

Farfie actually felt of compassion for the chibi. He picked him up, wrapped his arm in a near by dish towel, and told him to go sit down and watch TV.

"Can I watch TV with you please?" Nagi asked Ken

"Yes, yes you can." Ken said

Farfie watched in total amazement, they were actually getting along!

"He Daddy?" Ken asked Farfie

"Yes?" he squeaked out, he couldn't believe Ken Hidaka had just called him 'Daddy'.

"My armor hurts, Daddy."

"Okay, when Daddy gets back, we're going to hospital… So long as there aren't any priests or chapels."

"WE'RE HOME!!!" Schuldig screamed, running in, only to find Ken crying with his sliced arm

Schuldig actually thought he might cry. Yohji had gotten his ass kicked by the numerous mothers for letting his 'son' wear lingerie.

"What happened?!" he demanded firmly

"He kinda found his way into my room…" Farfie trailed off

"Come on, we're going to the hospital."


	3. Chapter 3: Surgery and Sugar

Schuldig couldn't believe what a sweet child Ken was. He was loving, willing to share, and when he needed to cry, he cried. Schuldig couldn't understand what drove this kid to be an assassin.

"Daddy, it hurts, Daddy." Ken groaned, his face shining with sweat and tears

"I know it does chibi, but we're next in line." Schuldig assured Ken.

Schuldig hoped that cut wasn't infected; God knows when that knife had last been cleaned, or in someone else's body.

"HIDAKA KEN!" a nurse screamed, which in turn scared Ken to the point where he cried, and Schuldig was about ready to smack the nurse

Schuldig plopped the groaning six year old on his hip, while Ken drove his head into Schuldig's shoulder and tears stained Schuldig's green coat.

The nurse lead 'father' and 'son' into the 5th exam room and the doctor soon followed.

"I am Dr. Fu, and reception has informed me that your son has a severe laceration on his left arm." He looked up and saw that Schuldig was still holding Ken, rocking back and forth on his feet.

"He cries if I put him down. He's in a lot of pain." Schuldig told Dr. Fu

"Well I do need to look at the injury."

Ken groaned in pain and began to cry again.

"Please?" Schuldig asked

"I'll come around the back." The doctor said, already frustrated, he unwrapped Ken's arm and Ken groaned in pain.

"Is it infected Doc?" Schuldig asked

"Yes it is discolored pus along the whole incision. Your son needs emergency surgery."

"Surgery? Are you sure?" Schuldig asked

"You need to put your son down." Fu said

"Alright, Ken?"

"Yea Daddy?" Ken asked

"I need to put you down."

"Okay. Why?"

Schuldig placed Ken on the exam table.

"Ken," Schuldig started "you're going to go to sleep, and when you wake up, your arm is going to feel much, much better, alright?"

"Okay."

_**AN HOUR LATER…**_

Farferello had arrived with the chibies.

"Stop trying to kill each other!" Farfie growled

"But it's fun!" Yohji said

"I don't care, stop it or I'll take away your string and your katana." Farf growled at Aya and Yohji, "Where's Crawford, Nagi and Omi?"

"I think they went with Daddy to get coffee." Aya said

"Please don't let them be sugar high when they get back." Farfie pleaded with himself

"Family of Hidaka Ken?" Dr. Fu asked,

"That's us!" Schuldig said, running back in, the chibies running in behind him, "Is Ken okay?"

"Your son is fine. He'll be on antibiotics for about two weeks, just to be sure, but he's fine to be released tomorrow."

"You're sure?"

"I am a doctor."

"Right, uh, thanks Doc."

As the doctor walked away, Schuldig thought optimistically of the odds that he could actually kill Farferello and get away unscathed. This was his entire fault. Ken was only a chibi, how could he know any better? Schuldig wanted to kill Farferello.

"Last time I saw that look, Crawford had to put us both in straight jackets." Farfie commented

"No shit Farferello. Where was that knife last, in a priest?!"

"I actually don't remember."

"Oh fuck you!"

"There are chibies in the room, Schuldig."

"Does it look like I care? Ken's going to kill me when he turns back into an adult!"

"I'd pay good money to see that."

"Stop being such a schissekoph und help mich!"

"You know when you're mad, you start rambling in German."

"Fich dich! Ich kann nicht glauben, dass Sie ihn verletzt selbst lassen!"

"I know it's a little un-believable at the moment, but I didn't let him hurt himself! He walked into my room and-"

"Ich möchte Sie wirklich schlecht töten. Wissen Sie das?!"

"I know you want to kill me, but… I mean… You'd never get away with it!"

"Ich interessiere mich nicht!"

"I also have realized that you don't care. Damn, Schuldig, you're captain of Team Obvious today."

"Bilden Sie mich Pipi nicht auf Ihnen!"

"And why would you want to pee on me?! You're not four like Omi-kun! You're toilet trained… Aren't you?"

"Oh meine Götter Farferello! Gehen Sie zur Hölle! Götter, wenn ich Yohji im Augenblick… und ich war, hatten seine Schnur… SIE WÜRDEN!! TOT SEIN!"

"I'm already going to hell, why would you want to speed that up? I've been thinking of this nice spot next to the Devil's house, right next to the-"

"Ihre Fliege ist unten."

"AND HOW CAN MY FLY BE DOWN IF I'M NOT WEARING JEANS?!"

"Oh just shut the hell up."

"HE CAN SPEAK JAPANESE AGAIN!!!"

"What did I just say?!"

"Make me."

"I THINK I WILL!" Schuldig said, lunging for the biokenetic

"DADDY!" A voice screamed, which then in turn made Omi start to cry.

"Could this day get any worse?!" Schuldig raved, throwing his fists angrily into the air and then shaking them violently.

Omi started to cry even harder.

"Meine Gotter! Ich bin Verruckt!"

"What does that mean, Daddy?" Yohji asked Farferello

"It means, "My Gods, I am insane, which, in all fairness, is true to some extent."

"Uh, sir?!" a nurse came out yelling, "Is this your son screaming?"

"Ja! I'm coming, Farf you handle the chibies."

"What?! You curse me out in German and then leave me with the chibies?! Not fair Schuldig!"

"Not caring right now!" Schuldig yelled, running off, orange hair burning in the breeze

Farferello was mad. No, not mad… Pissed. He was going to get back at the German telepath, big time. Now all Farf had to do was let his twisted, switchy mind work….

_**IN THE HOSPITAL CAFETERIA… **_

"Okay chibies, listen up!" Farferello commanded

"Why are we in the cafeteria, Daddy?" Omi asked

"Ice cream, Omi, ice cream."

"YOU'RE LETTING US HAVE ICE CREAM?!" Nagi screamed, jumping up and down

"Yes I am. Now, there… Ice cream galore," Farfie said, pointing to the dessert bar, "Enjoy." his lips curled back into an evil smile

_**3 HOURS LATER… **_

"Being sugar high is fun!" Crawford yelled from inside the utility closet

"Yes it is!" Yohji agreed, jumping up and down

Farferello's original plan was to get the chibies so sugar high that it would drive Schuldig to the mental state of a Level E Vampire, but when he saw the utility closet; he couldn't resist. There where 5 chibies, all of them hopped up on so much sugar the dessert bar was out of EVERYTHING. Out of ice cream, out of hot fudge, out of gummy worms and gummy bears, and Nagi had actually just eaten an entire package of grain sugar. There were two chibies in each closet, and their job was to play manhunt. There were 2 teams of seekers, Team Red, which consisted of Crawford and Yohji, and Team Blue, which consisted of Aya and Omi. Team Yellow was just Nagi, and Red and Blue had to find him. If any team found the "Golden Egg" they would automatically win, and then the game would start over. Now, Farfie hadn't placed a Golden Egg anywhere in the hospital, he just wanted to see what they'd come up with. He loved being evil.

"GO!" Farferello shouted, Aya and Nagi whizzed by him, running into the elevator, and pushing all of the buttons. Yohji and Crawford weren't far behind but they took a different starting point, the cardiac wing.

Farferello could just hear the sound of a dozen people having heart attacks simultaneously. He laughed even harder.

_**5 FLOORS ABOVE… **_

"Welcome to the Maternity Ward." Omi read, "Aya, whassa a maternity ward?"

"I dunno."

"Let's go inside! Omi might be in there!" Omi called, running in through the swinging doors, Aya closing following behind. They stopped short when they heard the unmistakable sound of women screaming at the top of their lungs.

"Hey Aya!" Omi called

"You found Nagi-kun?!" Aya asked excitedly

"No! But I think I figured out what a maternity ward is!"

"Then what is it? Cause this place is weird."

"I think it's a fancy-schmancy name for The Pain Ward."

This made some sense to the 6 year old Aya; why else would anyone scream at the top of their lungs? (_**A/N: They could scream because they just met their favorite band who they LOVE: TOKIO HOTEL!**_)

"And it's a girl!" they heard a doctor yell

Aya went wide-eyed. That was the same thing his heard a doctor say the day his sister was born.

"Omi! We have to get out of here!" Aya hissed loudly

"Why?"

"This isn't the pain ward; it's the place where the babies are born!"

"Cool! I wanna see!"

"Uh, no you don't." Aya said, dragging Omi down the hall by the collar

"What's so bad about it?" Omi asked as Aya let go of him and they walked into the Burn Ward

"Lots of blood."

"Oh, eww."

"Let's spilt up, that way we have a better chance of finding Nagi."

And so they did.

_**ANOTHER 3 FLOORS UP…**_

"I got him!" Crawford cried, biting Nagi's arm

"Ouchie!" Nagi yelled

"Surrender now and we'll give you the same deal we gave the others!" Yohji laughed, recounting the movie Signs.

"I'm telling Daddy on you!" Nagi cried

"Where are your parents?!" a nurse cried from behind them


	4. Chapter 4: An Insane Escape Plan

"Where are your parents?" the nurse asked the chibies again

"What are these parents you speak of?" Crawford asked

"Your Mom and Dad." The nurse said

"We don't have a Mom. But we have two Dad's." Yohji said proudly

And these are the exact words that came across the nurse's mind:

"_Oh my fucking God, their parents are GAY? And if they are; how come they have kids? It's biologically impossible." _

Crawford stomped on Yohji's foot and crushed it into the ground until he heard a satisfying crack and a loud whimper/yelp from Yohji.

"That's my foot you psycho!" Yohji snapped

"You act as if I don't already know this." Crawford said, smiling

"Come on, if you don't have parents looking after you I'll have to take you into the hospital's custody." The nurse said, taking Crawford by the arm: big mistake.

Crawford bit into that nurse's arm like there was no tomorrow. Blood was drawn and Crawford retracted, screaming:

"RUN IF YOU WAN TO LIVE!"

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Yohji yelped, dragging Nagi down the hall and into the stairwell.

"What about Crawford?" Nagi asked, running along with Yohji

"Right behind you!" Crawford yelled, running down the stairs with them, "Hurry up! The Calvary's coming!"

Yohji started running faster, practically dragging Nagi on his heels and Crawford trailing behind.

"Hey kids stop!" a doctor yelled, seeing the kids scrambling

"RUN!" Nagi screamed, this time taking Yohji for a ride, he exited the stairs running into the Burn Ward.

"Stop those kids!" the same doctor screamed again, they ran all the way down the hall, until a two pairs of hands pulled them into a closet.

"Leggo!" Crawford barked, biting down on whoever's hand that happened to be.

"Ow you psychotic nut!" Aya raved, pushing Crawford forwards, knocking Omi into a shelf, which in turn unleashed a bucket, filled with old, soapy and sudsy water all over Omi's head and soaking his entire body.

Yohji started laughing hysterically, stepping backwards, slipping and then knocking into another shelf which sent a can of purple paint splattering all over Yohji's head, hair and body. Paint smeared across his glasses and he quickly wiped it off, degusted at the fact he was blind as a bat without his glasses.

"Here," Aya started, "Use some of Omi's suds to clean Yohji's glasses." Aya swiped at Omi's head, completely engulfed with white soap suds, and rubbed it against Yohji's glasses until Aya's hands were all purple and Yohji's glasses shown like new.

"Thanks Aya." Yohji said, surprised

"Now," Aya started again, "If we want to make it out of here, we're going to have to work as a team, even if we all hate each other."

"I don't know the meaning of hate." Nagi said

"Don't flatter yourself kid." Yohji said, rubbing his purple paint-dripping hands all over Nagi's face and hair, staining his skin purple as well

"Guys, back to the game plan!" Aya snapped, "Even though we have the minds of children, we still have the techniques we've learned as assassins."

"So you're basically saying that you want us to kill off the entire hospital staff? That was my original plan." Crawford said

"No! You can't kill them off! Nagi and Omi will distract the nurses with their cute." Aya shuddered as Omi gave his classic puppy-dog eyes that usually made him give in to anything Omi wanted, "After that, Crawford will ambush and bite the security guard they posted just inside the ward. After that, he's got to get the guard to chase him into the bathroom just down the hall and then trick him somehow and then lock him in. Omi and Nagi will spilt up and lure each nurse, there are two on duty, each nurse into a separate bathroom and then lock the door. Just after Crawford's bitten the guard, he's going to whistle when this closet is just out of eyesight, so we can guard the door until the others come."

"And after the other's come?" Yohji asked

"We run for the hills back to the cafeteria where Dad should still be." Aya said, saying Dad, referring to Farferello

Omi shot his hand into the center of the closet.

"What are you doing?" Aya asked

"Hands in, you know '1,2,3 go team'?" Omi said

"Oh, right." Aya said, sticking his hand in, and the others followed

"1,2,3 GO TEAM!" they all shouted

"Omi, Nagi, go!" Crawford shouted as he opened the door and snuck out to ambush the guard

"Gotcha Crawford!" Omi said, dragging Nagi out toward the nurse's station

"What now?" Yohji asked Aya as the door swung closed

"Open the door back up so we can listen for Crawford's signal."

Yohji cracked the door just a wink.

After a few minutes, Crawford whistled loud and clear. Aya and Yohji pounced, running full blast towards the door. No one was there. Yohji heaved a sigh of relief and waited for Omi, Nagi and Crawford's return.

Shortly after, they all came running.

"Run! One of the nurse's is good a picking locks! We had to stick a chair under the door!" Omi said as the whole group started to run

_**CAFETERIA… **_

"Hey Farf." Schuldig said, grabbing a slice of pizza and sitting down across from the Irishman

"How's Ken?" Farf asked

"Doc had to sedate him, poor kid."

"When can we get the hell out of dodge?"

"In a couple of hours, why, who did you kill?"

"No one, it's just that, the chibies got a little sugar high and ran off."

"DAD!" Omi screamed, running in, followed by, Aya, Yohji, Crawford and Nagi

"What happened to you?" Schuldig asked

"A bucket of old, soapy water fell on Omi." Aya said

"And what the hell happened to Yohji?" Farf asked

"A bucket of paint fell on him." Omi smiled

"Can we go home now Dad?" Aya asked

"Sure, why not? After all, you did break the hospital."


	5. Chapter 5: Apologies and Psychosis

_**A/N: A special thanks to 1-annethunder for her AWESOME review! You made my day! **_

Schuldig had finally gotten all five sugar high chibies asleep, no help from his 'partner' Farferello. Farf was still laughing hysterically when they all got home.

"So, how did they get this sugar high?" Schuldig asked Farf, pouring himself a cup of coffee

"Uh well… I kinda lost them for a few minutes…"

"A few minutes, eh? Nagi hasn't been that sugar high since the last time Crawford had to go to a mandatory murder-training convention last year; and he was gone for a week! And by the time he got back; half of the United States of America had been flattened, the Rock of Gibraltar had been sunk, and the Titanic was sailing!"

"You forgot to mention that Nagi single handedly started World War four."

"Farf, there were only two World Wars. What about World War 3?"

"I am World War three."

Schuldig considered this information and decided it was possible that Farferello was indeed the 3rd World War and that Nagi had started the 4th.

"Okay then, that's uh… that's… good news." Schuldig said

"I know it is! I've never started the deconstruction of a planet before! Next on my list is the bomb the Vatican."

"Oh joy."

"Wanna leave the chibies here and get a head start?" Farf asked excitedly

"As much as I'd love to destroy the Christian religion and most of America, I'd much more rather strangle you for breaking a state hospital and inciting a riot of sugar high demons!"

"Ah come on, Schu. You know you'd never get away with murdering me."

"And why is that?"

"Because I am immortal and can't feel pain."

"I could still try!"

"You couldn't even if you wanted to. You know you love me too much."

"You are pretty damn adorable."

"I know! Everyone loves the Irish."

"I don't think the chibies will think that after the regain their normal adult bodies."

"Always the pessimist, Schu."

"I am not always the pessimist you psychotic soulless bastard!"

"Psychotic and soulless I may be, but I didn't consider myself a bastard. How hurtful Schuldig, I thought you were my friend!"

"I give up!"

"Daddy?" A small voice creaked, followed by the innocent pitter-patter of feet down the hall and into the living room

Schuldig ushered Farferello into the kitchen and locked the door, hoping he wouldn't make the room explode or wouldn't stab anything Crawford would murder them both over. Schuldig hurried back to the chibi; who turned out to be Omi.

"What's wrong chibi?" Schuldig asked, picking him up, "Need a diaper change?"

"No Daddy, I wanted to say I'm sorry for breaking the hospital." Omi said sheepishly

Schuldig felt his heart cracking and a pinch of sympathy leaking from it.

"Aw, it's okay Omi. Why don't you go back to bed?"

"Because I keep worrying about big brother Ken, is he coming home soon, Daddy?"

"Big brother Ken is coming home tomorrow, chibi."

Omi's eyes shot open wide with happiness.

"Really Daddy, he's coming home tomorrow?"

"Yes he really is kiddo."

"Yay!"

"Now why don't you go back to bed, and first thing in the morning I will personally take you and only you out for breakfast and then just us will go and get Ken."

"Really, thanks Daddy!" Omi cheered, hugging Schuldig and ran back up the stairs

Schuldig quickly stuck a chair under the kitchen door knob and began looking for a pad lock, and instead of one, he found four where Crawford usually kept Farferello's knives locked up. Keeping the chair under the knob, Schuldig locked Farferello in the kitchen while he kicked and screamed about something called a bathroom and needing to use one. Schuldig laughed hysterically and then ran upstairs into Crawford's bedroom. Crawford told Schuldig never to use it, by penalty of death. And he was nice enough to give Schuldig the option of choosing his own death.

"Lemme out of here you delusional German!" Farferello roared from the kitchen

"Did I hear something?" Schuldig asked himself as he drifted off to sleep, and as Farferello made an Earth-shattering ka-boom in the kitchen the shook the whole house, "Nope," Schuldig decided, "Probably just the mice."


	6. Chapter 6: Group Hugs and Sensitivity

It was five in the morning and Omi was wide awake, jumping up and down. He had actually gotten himself dressed, and gotten his shoes on the right feet after the 12th time, and had even attempted to tie them. He was able to tie them in the 'butterfly' fashion, and he had brushed his teeth, combed his hair and even made his bed. He carefully tip-toed out of the room, closed the door and then bolted down the hall and waited patiently outside Schuldig's door. Shortly after, Schuldig opened the door, and was greeted by a very happy Omi.

"It's 5:30, chibi." Schuldig said, squatting down, "What are you doing up so early?"

"You promised we'd go for breakfast and then get Ken!" Omi exclaimed in a whisper

"Oh that's right." Schuldig said, picking Omi up and placing him on his hip, "So, where do you wanna go for breakfast?"

"Is there an IHOP around?" Omi asked the red-head

"Just a block away kiddo."

_**IHOP **_

_**6:00 AM **_

Omi stared at the oversized menu blankly, his eyes bouncing on and off the page.

"What's a steak Daddy?" Omi squeaked above the chatter around him

"It's a piece of grilled meat." Schuldig said gently

"What's meat, Daddy?"

Schuldig didn't know how to explain the principals of meat without traumatizing the poor kid.

"It's… uh… It's… uh… It's part of an animal."

Omi looked crushed and tears started to well up in his eyes.

"They would kill an ANIMAL?!" Omi shouted, tears streaming down his face

"Omi, the animal didn't suffer, and instead of being hurt, he just went to sleep."

"You're sure the animal just went to sleep?"

"I'm sure chibi. Now drink your juice before it gets warm, because then it's just gross."

Omi wiped the tears from his eyes and slowly drank his orange juice. Shortly after, their breakfast arrived. Schuldig attempted to crack some jokes and Omi spilled juice several times, but overall; the two had a good time. They paid their bill and then left for the hospital.

_**TOKYO GENERAL HOSPITAL**_

_**DISCHARGE CENTER **_

_**8:45 AM **_

"Hey Dad!" Ken exclaimed, running up and hugging Schuldig

"Hey kiddo, miss me much?"

"Yeah I did, but the doctors and nurses are really nice here!"

"Well that's good to hear."

The trio left the hospital, and went home hoping that not too much chaos was ensuing.

"Ken's home! Please tell me everyone's alive?" Schuldig asked

"Schuldig! Get your ass in here now!" a voice growled, but this was not Farferello's voice.

A fully grown, and pissed Aya Fujimiya stalked out of the kitchen.

"Aya! You're back!" Schuldig exclaimed, happy as one could be

"What the fuck happened?" Aya asked

"You all got turned into chibies, and let me tell you; you had a temper."

"Yohji! Get in here!" Aya called

A fully grown Yohji Kudou walked out.

"Daddy, why is big brother Yohji so tall?" Omi asked

"Is that Omi?" Yohji gasped

"Yes I am." Omi said proudly

"And is that Ken?" Aya asked

"In the flesh." Ken said

"Oh wow." Yohji laughed

The rest of Weiss and Schwarz joined them.

"You locked me in the kitchen!" Farf growled

"You did?" Aya asked

"He got you all so sugar high you broke the hospital!" Schuldig exclaimed

"Why were we in a hospital?" Crawford asked, agitated

"Because Ken wandered into Farf's room and cut his arm sliced open." Schuldig muttered

"And Crawford bites!" Farf exclaimed showing off his arm

"I did that?" Crawford yelped, laughing hysterically

"Yohji was covered in paint, Nagi ate a whole bag of grain sugar, Aya and Omi found the maternity ward and Crawford induced 37 simultaneous heart attacks." Schuldig said

"I did not!" Crawford defended

"The morgue was flooded." Farferello said

"Oh my God." Crawford gasped

"And I had surgery!" Ken said proudly

"Nice job Schuldig." Aya said

"Thank you!" Schuldig said proudly

"I was being sarcastic, you know."

"Does it look like I care?"

"You should!" Yohji said

"Well I don't. All I care about is that Omi and Ken are still chibies and can't take care of themselves."

"You have to admit that Omi is a pretty cute little kid." Yohji said

"I am not a kid!" Omi growled, everyone turned, to find a 17 year old Omi

"Oh thank God." Schuldig thanked the sky

"I should kill you for this." Omi growled again

"After all that just happened between us?" Schuldig gasped

"I second that motion." Ken said; evidently now back to his normal, klutzy 19 year old self

"You can't kill Schu!" Farf said, "He's my only friend! How would you feel if your best and only friend was killed?"

Schuldig felt his heart breaking. Farferello, the man how cannot feel pain was actually saying he had a friend.

"You actually mean that?" Schuldig questioned

"Of course I do! Guys, you may want to kill Schu, but he cared for all of you while you were kids! He took Ken to the hospital, and rocked him while he cried, and changed Omi's diaper and apologized to Aya for being a bad person! He saved Yohji from total embarrassment, saved Crawfoo from being murdered by my hands and kept Nagi from falling off the bookshelf!"

"You did?" They all gasped

"I did." Schuldig said

"Why would you do that for us?"

"Because, seeing you as kids made me realize that you're human and not just some group of crazy assassins."

"Aw, thank you Schuldig." Omi said, hugging the orange haired German

Ken followed next, and then Nagi, then Aya, then Crawford, and then Farferello.

Omi looked at Yohji, who was standing by his lonesome.

"I'm not hugging him." Yohji protested

"Yes you are you lazy bastard." Ken snapped

"Get your ass in here." Aya snapped, dragging Yohji by the scruff of the neck

"AH!" Yohji yelled, but stopped when he felt the warmth of this group hug.

And even though Weiss and Schwarz still really didn't like each other, they understand each other better now.

_**THE END! **_


End file.
